If I was a category on Jeopardy: category option #1

12 Aug

Me:  I’ll take “Life’s Geometry According to Carol” for $0.01, Alex!

Alex:  In every aspect of her life, Carol uses this route to get from point A to point B.

Me:  What is the “shortest distance”?

Alex:  With a penny for your thoughts, you are correct!

About a year ago, I realized that my license had expired.  I’m not the best with attention to detail.  As a matter of fact, if it is not demanded of me in person, I chalk it up to not that important (i.e. never has to be done).  Then, about 6 months ago, I lost my license.  It’s probably somewhere in my house; in one of 20 or so purses that I own and switch out of daily.  (Speaking of which, do any of you switch out purses regularly?  If so, are you able to do this chaos-free… or is it just me who has trouble with finding anything after a switch?  I just have never found it as simple as dumping the contents of one into another.  I have about 5 handbags right now 1/2 full of junk, but sadly no license in any of them… yet.)

So, I haven’t had time to renew my license until today.  I did my hair and makeup and made sure that I wore a shirt that wasn’t wrinkled and baby food stain-free, so that I could look undead (at the very least) in my new license photo.  Then I had to search for bills with my name and address on them to prove my residency… and, oh yeah, I needed to find my birth certificate and social security card.  They were in lock boxes for which I had to find the keys and subsequently drop one very heavy lock box on my bare toe… just because I didn’t think that things were going as hideously as it should be.  About an hour later, I was ready to head off to the MVA and battle the long lines.  When I got there, I had to stand in a long line to speak with a clerk who would check all of my documentation, give me forms to fill out, stand back in the same line to have my forms checked and then given a number to wait to in another much much much longer line.  However, I never even got to the reentry of the first line.  Upon looking me up in the system, the clerk said “Oh my!  It’s been a long time since your licensed expired!” Me: *playing stupid* “What’s that mean?” Clerk:  “Well it’s been over a year, so you’ll have to take the tests to get a new license.” Me:  “Tests?  What tests?” Clerk:  “You’ll have to take the written test and then you’ll have to pass the driving skills test.” Me:  “Crap!  Are you serious?  It’s been so long… I don’t think that I’ll pass.  Do I have to, like, parallel park and stuff because I don’t do that.” Clerk:  “Yes, you’ll want to practice that before you try to take the test.” Me:  “How about I do what I normally do in a situation that requires parallel parking?  I switch with my husband and let him do it OR if he’s not available I drive around and around until I find a space that doesn’t require me to perform the ‘parallel park’ maneuver.  Are there points for that?  I mean, knowing your limits should get a person bonus points?” Clerk:  *a bit amused* “Nice try, but you’re gonna have to do it.  Ride around DC for an afternoon and you’ll be good and skilled!” Me:  *laughing… surprisingly laughing* “It’ll be more like bumper cars.  Not a good idea.  So, what do I do now?” Clerk:  “Well, if you don’t think you need the practice you can go ahead and take the tests now, if you want.  *glances around at the identification I brought in*  Never-mind, we don’t except short forms anymore.  *points at my birth certificate*  You’re going to have to get a long form.” Me:  “My birth certificate is not valid?” Clerk:  “No because that is an old birth certificate.  We only accept the newer issued longer forms.”

So, I have no license and I have to take a test to get another one because I’m too stupid and irresponsible to keep track of the one that I had.  Also, apparently I’m old… like, so old that my birth certificate is historic, practically a museum worthy national treasure and therefore, not valid.  I applied for a new birth certificate online.  While I await it’s arrival in the mail, I will be studying for the written test and practicing my parallel parking for the road test over the next 10 days.  Here is a little test for you:

Carol will probably

A. drive locally anyway

B. use an old license that I lost years ago and then found it soon after I got a new one in order to get in and out of Jax and Leila’s schools during their first week

C.  fail the tests miserably and be without a valid license for some extended period of time

D. all of the above


4 Responses to “If I was a category on Jeopardy: category option #1”

  1. Monica August 12, 2010 at 10:42 pm #

    Too funny! I guess my birth certificate would disintegrate if I had to show it.


    • Carol August 25, 2010 at 4:26 pm #

      LOL Well, I can promise you that if it was documented before 2000, it is invalid.


  2. Carol October 31, 2016 at 9:01 pm #

    Priceless to reread! As predicted, 6 years later, the answer is in fact “D- all of the above”. *sigh* Try, try again, Carol. You’ve got this, old girl.



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    […] So, I know it’s hard to believe with all of those fabulous forehead lines (*note to self: ask dermatologist “how much is botox?”) that I’m not 16, but nope I’m 38 and taking my driver’s test… again.  [because remember this] […]


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